How have I changed?

Next Monday, I’m going to a training course. We’re going to start with each person doing a ‘three minute input’ (note: not a presentation, an ‘input’) on how we’ve changed over the course of our development programme so far. We’ve been told to prepare our ‘input’ in advance.

I have no idea what to do with this instruction.

From comparing notes with others, nobody else does either, so we have defaulted to mockery.

I’m going to do a Rolf Harris style charades thing – can you see what it is yet?

I think I’ll do a chart, of where I am and how far I’ve come …

I might express myself through the means of interpretive dance – or origami.

I was thinking of playing a piece of relaxing music and saying that I’ve learnt that it’s important to relax. I know, why don’t I play a piece of relaxing music, you can do your interpretive dance and then we can also make a point about the importance of teamwork and collaboration …

The first two might actually happen, the latter probably not.

Aside from presentation though, I don’t really know what to say. I have changed in the last year, I know I have. But most of it is nothing to do with work. And hardly any of it is specifically due to the development programme. It’s not been irrelevant, but I still kind of feel that I wasn’t quite ready for it.

I still don’t quite feel ready for it. It’s just too much too fast. And I think this summer’s meltdown was part of that. I can’t do this.

I can’t do this on my own.

Because one thing I have learnt this year is the importance of relationships. Real relationships. Not acquaintances or networks or beer buddies. But relationships where you can drop all pretence, ask the real questions and live life together, however messy it gets. It’s often easier to have this sort of relationship with people outside of work. It feels safer somehow. But this year, I’ve crossed boundaries and had more open relationships with people at work.

I’ve had to. Because when you can’t prevent yourself crying in the office, people want to know why. And once you’ve started crying, you may as well be honest.

Does that count as a change? That I’m trying to be more open. That I recognise that if I want the rest of my team to be open with me, I need to model it myself?

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