How are you?

Recently, I’ve been a lot more aware of what I need. Of what is right for me. There’s been an increase in my self-awareness and an increase in my ability to say what I mean. And to say what I need.

I remember times at school when I’d come home day after day and my dad would ask how my day had been and I’d say fine and run upstairs. Every day. He commented on it from time to time but I just kept saying that it was just fine, nothing amazing, nothing awful, just fine.

Plus there’s the not minding. What do you want to do? I don’t mind. Where do you want to eat? I don’t mind. What do you want to see? I don’t mind. 

Are you ok? Yeah, fine.

How are you? Fine. 

Fine, don’t mind, fine, don’t mind, fine, don’t mind.

Except that frequently I’m not fine and frequently I do mind. So why don’t I say so?

I challenged someone on something yesterday. She’s a doer. You ask her how she’s been and she tells you the things she’s done. You ask her how she is and she tells you what she’s doing.

I stop her.

How are you?

And she doesn’t know what to say. Oh, I’m fine … 

Sometimes I feel so much pressure to be doing something – to be achieving and producing and constructing. Even when I’m tired. Even when I don’t really want to and I know that whatever I do manage to do will be second rate precisely because my heart just isn’t in it.

Obviously, sometimes I will have to grit my teeth and get on with something. I’m probably never going to be that enthusiastic about cleaning the bathroom. 

But sometimes I will feel things and want to do things and have emotions and there’s no reason why I can’t say those things. The good, the bad and the ugly. I can say how I feel. I can say what I want. It’s okay to do that. 

I’ve said it before, if I like it when people are genuine with me, why do I think I can be anything else with them?

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